#6 No Love For Me

Hello.

I tried scrolling some gay forums but they seemed so hard to understand what was what and there were so many topics that I just decided to let them be, so no talking with others to me then. Why there is no forums for my own language like its very necessary. 

I also registered to this new dating site but its for everyone and its so new that there isn't many users and also its more for adults - aka no one for me. And site is so crappy with all their rules and operating system. I wont find anyone from that site, that's for sure.

And even more bad news. I told about this hip hopper guy in earlier post, I didn't hear from him in few days and then he contacted me. He asked if I was "positive". I thought he meant positive like is part of my personality being positive but then I googled it and it turned out that that's how they call people with HIV. He has HIV.

 Are you fucking kidding me? I can't fuck someone with HIV, well there is a condom but its not sure that it will protect me. And also if I wanna suck his cock, I don't wanna do it with condom on. Well his appearance was like a bad boy and I'm not really surprised that he has it. I always was afraid of meeting people online because I was afraid of stuff like that and now that it really happen, oh God.

From Tumblr

And also my friends talked in our group chat about summer and going to the cottage and stuff. First of all that cottage does not have a shower so we should wash our self's in a lake. I can't approve that because I have to shave and I would have to be there all naked and I'm too insecure for that. And I am insecure because of my body hair. They sicken me, I hate my body hair so much that I cant wear shorts or be half naked infront  of anyone. And they make it even worse when they say in the chat "ew I hate body hair" and stuff like. They don't even know that I'm insecure about that and then they can wonder why I can't wash myself in the lake + you shouldn't even wash yourself in the lake.

And that's also one thing that I feel that no one will love me because I'm so ugly and by that I mean my body hair. Of course there is men who like body hair or they are fine with it but where? At least they are not for me and I'm tired of being alone and feel that no one can love me because of that. My biggest wish is that I wouldn't have any body hair.

Its good that I have this blog so that I can write down my feelings because I can't do it anywhere else. I can't talk about this with my friends, I don't want them to know that I have a lot of body hair - maybe they know but I won't take that chance. If only I could have someone who I could talk about these things or readers but no. Its hard to be gay, hate it.